Day Three – Five: Trets
Long and busy day, felt somewhat tired. Listening to lectures in German tired me out more than I thought. Learnt two interesting points: What is Victory? and What is Protection and how to see things from Buddha Eyes .(basically, how to perceive reality).
Victory simply means never giving up. The second point really made a chord for me. When I determine to chant for something to happen and it doesn’t – does it mean failure or simply it is not good for my life? (Who decided?) – I can not know. Pressing on with redetermination and move forward is the key. Forward with Hope! And perhaps one day I look back and it might make some sense of why things didn’t happen as I wished for.
Spanish won the world cup. Good team with patient. To bed at 1142.
1535hr Trust in myself is what I lacked at the moment. The fickle of my mind lead me to distrust myself. I do know what is best for me yet I get moved by comment and superficial feeling.
Had an idea about a business – (omitted here for self beneficial reason :))
Dinner was great, big table with many people bringing food to share like a family. I would love my wedding to be like this! Talked to T. Great conversation about relationship and then spoke with A. Felt the pain in his heart that he is going through. I had felt like him – no joy and everything it’s a painful struggle. Went for a walk with R. and K. Was a good walk. Picked up rosemary on the way. Went to chant more with K. Pain dwell up. I know his painful feeling about his relationship because I went through and make so many mistakes with mine. How many more mistake would I have to learn.
While I chanted, I felt like free fall dropping into the dark cave of no end. I see the impermanent of things and it depressed me. But at the end, I visualised a flower of hope in the darkness.
Do schedule for tomorrow and go to bed at 0100hr.
Such a heavy day. Did not sleep well. Woke up 0545hr to chant. Soka chief for today. Only U. turned up for morning prayer. But never mind. Slowly build the team up and finished activity well at noon. Really tired but I have to do Master of Ceremony (MC) with L. for the afternoon. Struggle. Tiredness overcome me and negative mood dwell. Tried to go to bed after Daimoku. Not so much better. Shower and up. A. really helped and support. Agitated still. Anyway, I went to the young men singing rehearsal for the performance in the evening and felt better. Although I know I was in my ‘littleselve’ mood. Z. really supported me. Went to prepare for the MC. Felt better and can see that L. was struggle. We were poor the first MC round. But muscled it together the 2nd and 3rd. Joyfully ended.
Freedom means I can do what I want or I can do anything?
Culture festival in the evening was great.
Got a FB message from A. Felt relieves. The environment started to manifest what is in my heart. To bed at 1230.