Old year dissolutions – New year determinations
2009 has been a transition year for me with many major changes and events. Looking back now it see so long ago – decided to go back to university in January, applied for a scholarship and got rejected in Feb, contemplation about my future in March, Quitted my job in April, My 28th Birthday in May and a Thai King exhibition at my Buddhist centre Taplow court (I wish for this many years ago!), Cycling to Land’s End in June and moved out of my Bristol nest in the same month, reapplied and won the scholarship in July, working in Bangkok until September, back in Chiang Mai until November, and in Vienna until now.
I am happy.. but dissatisfy.
I feel my inner self still looking for something more. Something that would fulfill me wholely. It doesn’t have to come perfect. Something of joyfully struggle would be great. Something unfinished. Intellectually, I know this ‘something’ is within myself, within this moment that I am living my life. I know too well of the Nichiren’s writing: On attaining buddhahood in this lifetime which the first line read:
“If you wish to free yourself from the sufferings of birth and death you have endured since time without beginning and to attain without fail unsurpassed enlightenment in this lifetime, you must perceive the mystic truth that is originally inherent in all living beings.” – On attaining buddhahood in this lifetime
The challenge for me next year is to feel this and to be this – at least for 182.5 days or 4380 hr or 262800 min and I will pass the 50% cutting grade. 🙂
Another determination is to know what I want, and to have the ability/strength to achieve, to build it. (I know what I want in most area of my life but there are unfamiliar unknowns that I want to get to understand more about myself. )
This is hardly a positive ending to my, otherwise colorful year but I already see the mountain I want to climb right in front of me. This Thai songs sum it up
ต้องดีกว่าเก่า – ตั้ม สมประสงค์
In closing, as we are entering the final year of our 1st decade of the 20th century. The question that I would like to ask myself is – what have I and what would I do to ensure peace and security of my future, let alone my children.
Happy Tiger 2010 year and forward with hope once again!