The rainbow bows its arch over the landscape.  A pleasant day.

I feel dull.

Facing again the same unanswerable question.

My value, scrutinised, yet unclear.

Shaken to the core

I do not know, the effects of my own deed, yet

with faith.  I shall go forward.

Leaving the impermanent desire to rot and die.

เมื่อเกิดอุทกภัย เกิดภัยพิบัติทางธรรมชาติ อีกทั้งมลพิษทางสิ่งแวดล้อม
เรามีทางเลือกอะไรบ้าง?
ในเมื่อเรา สูดอากาศจากโลกใบเดียวกัน กินน้ำจากฟ้าฝืนเดียวกัน
เดินบนโลกใบเดียวกัน ผัก ผลไม้ ข้าว ก็มาจากโลกใบนี้

ในเมื่อ….

น้ำ….. มันไม่เลือกท่วมแค่บ้านคนจน หรือ บ้านคนรวย
แผ่นดินไหว…….. มันไม่ได้เลือกสะเทิอน เฉพาะกระต๊อบหรือ ตึก
อากาศ……มันไม่ได้เป็นพิษเฉพาะกับลูกคนมีรถขับ หรือลูกคนไม่มีรถขับ
โรคร้าย…… มันไม่ได้เลือกติด คนสวย หรือไม่สวย

แต่เราเลือกได้ ที่จะมองให้มันเป็นเรื่องของเรา
เราเลือกได้ ที่จะมองผลกระทบ มองสิ่งที่เกิดขึ้น ทั้งที่ไกลและใกล้ตัวเรา
ให้เป็นเรื่องของเรา

เพราะ ระยะห่างของเหตุการณ์เหล่านี้ กำหนดได้ที่ใจของเรา

อย่าเลือกให้มันเป็นเรื่องของคนอื่น
เป็นเรื่องของนักการเมือง เรื่องของสื่อ เรื่องของคนจน เรื่องของคนรวย เรื่องของผู้ว่า เรื่องของนักวิชาการ เรื่องของคนที่มีความทุกข์อยู่

ถ้าใจเราคิดว่ามันเป็นเรื่องของคนอื่น ไม่ใช่เรื่องของเรา
แต่เพราะเราอยู่บนโลกใบนี้ ใบเดียวกัน
ถ้าเราไม่ใส่ใจเรื่องของคนอื่นแล้ว เรื่องของคนอื่นซักวันก็จะมาเป็นเรื่องของเรา
แล้วใคร จะมาใส่ใจเรื่องของเรา ในวันที่มันเกิด เรื่องของเรา

Sungwal Rugpao et.al ทำการศึกษาถุงยางหลังใช้ โดยไปเก็บตัวอย่างจากซ่องในเชียงใหม่กว่าสามสิบแห่ง ในช่วงเดือนสิงหา 92 ถึง ตุลาในปีเดียวกัน กลุ่มผู้ศึกษานำถุงยางมาตรวจสอบว่ามีการแตกไหม รวมถึงการสัมภาทย์สาวให้บริการ 326 คน

การศึกษาพบว่า จากตัวอย่าง   5,559 condoms,ถุงมีความเป็นไปได้ที่จะ แตก ร้อยละ 5.9 ต่อการใช้
ในรายที่ใช้ซ้อน % การแตกลดลงเหลือ 3.4%

รายงานนี้ค่อนข้างเก่า แต่ก็คงเตือนใจคนชอบเที่ยวได้ไม่น้อย

Full report:

Condom breakage during commercial sex in Chiang Mai, Thailand
source http://www.contraceptionjournal.org/article/0010-7824(93)90116-O/abstract

• Sungwal Rugpao, Niwat Pruithithada,Yupadee Yutabootr,Wonpen Prasertwitayakij,Sodsai Tovanabutra

Abstract

Used condoms in 30 female brothels in Chiang Mai, Thailand, during the period from August 1992 to October 1992 were examined for breakage. Data were also collected by interviewing 326 prostitutes who accounted for 65 percent of the total prostitutes providing condoms. The prostitutes had a mean age of 20.6 ± 3.2 years. Sixty-one percent had no formal education. The median duration of prostitution was 13 months. The average number of clients per day in the past 24 hours and in the past 3 months was 4.4 ± 2.5 and 5.5 ± 2.2, respectively. Eighty-eight percent charged between $2 and less than $8 for their sexual service. All refused to practice oral or anal sex during the past 24 hours. Of 5,559 condoms, 298 were used two at a time and 15 were used three at a time. The breakage rate per act of intercourse was 5.9 percent (95% CI = 5.3, 6.5). The breakage per total condoms examined was 5.7 percent (95% CI = 5.1, 6.3). Breakage relating to manufacturing defect, i.e., pinholes, and that relating to use was 0.8 percent (95% CI = 0.6, 1.0) and 5.0 percent (95% CI = 4.4, 5.6), respectively. The probability of breakage when using two condoms at the same time was 3.4 percent (95 % CI = 0.5, 6.3). Most of the breakage occurred at the distal part of the condom. There was no difference between the breakage rates of condoms provided by the brothels and those brought by the client; nor was there any difference between manufacturing defect or use. The breakage rate per client as estimated by prostitutes in the past 24 hours corroborated with that assessed by examination.

I believe it it human instinct to live and to give life.  It is part of our function, of our existence to recreate and passing on bits of ourselves.  Nature even kind enough to make the process fun (opp..), before waged the finger to us not to over do it by introduced HIV (opp..opp).

But not many people of my generation are having kids or wanting to have kids. Why?

I thought about this long and hard – is it because we study longer, work harder, and enjoy the social freedom that our parents never had?  Or is it simply our hesitation to do so.

A few people that I spoke to who are childless or intend to be, said they do not want their kids to grow up in the society that are such that we living in – for different reason – Internet, violent, respect, to list it would be just too long.  It can simply conclude that they fear the future for their to-be-(made)-child.

A few other who has kids or want to have said, it no point analysing.  ”Just do it” (Nike style!) and make the best of what we’ve got.

I believe at the end it come down to personal choice.  No one should be imposed up on to have or not to have kids.  There are four other things I believe in general that may or may not applied to this issue (of course, I do think they do):

1. The world will keep going – whatever choice we made.  We will be part of it no matter which role we choose to be.

2. We know the trend where the world is going but  it too, will continue to change.  Everything, including the trends is impermanence.

3. Cause and effect are not related or proportionate – some kids with so call good up bringing end up ruin lives of million other, some kids with so called poor up bringing ended up improve lives of million of other.

4.  Our happiness should and must not depend on other.

..Life is a beautiful thing, innit?

วันนี้นอนแบปอยู่บ้านได้สองชั่วโมงไม่ถึงก็เกิดอาการคิดโน่นคิดนี้ ฟุ้งซ่านต้องลุกขึ้นมาเขียน blog นี้หลังจากละไปนาน อาจารย์รู้ว่า คงอดคิดไม่ได้ว่าถ้าขยันเขียน thesis เหมือนกับ blog คงจะจบไปนานแล้ว ทำไงได้คิด thesis มันไม่ออกนิครับ  เขียนไปก็จิบน้ำชาและเคี้ยวขนมปังกรอบตามหมอไปหยับๆ  เดายังไงก็คงไม่ถูกว่าป่วยเป็นโรคอะไรกันแน่  ใช่ไหม?

หมอสาวใหญ่สั่งให้ผมนอนลงบนเตียงแต่โดยดี ปลดกระดุมซะ เธอสั่ง ผมทำตามอย่างว่าง่าย สมองไม่ได้คิดอะไรทั้งนั้น  กระดุมกางเกงยีนส์ถูกปลด หมอเอามือเย็น วางที่ท้อง คลำไปมา มันเสียวแปลบๆ พิกล แล้วเธอก็กระชากกางเกงในผมให้ลงต่ำไปอีก ตกใจ แต่ทำอะไรไม่ทันแล้ว ปล่อยเธอคลำท้องน้องผมไปมา สภาพผมตอนนี้คงไม่ต่างจาก ไอ้ดูบที่บ้านที่นอนหงายท้องให้น้องผมเอาเท้าเกาๆ ผิดกันก็ที่ว่าไอ้ตูบมันเพลิดเพลิน ผมเจ็บท้องเสียวปลาดๆ

ได้ยามาสองชุด anti-biotic กับยาลดไข้ หมอสั่งไม่ให้ทานเนื้อผักผลไม้และของมันใดๆถ้าอยากหาย ขนมปังข้าวและชาอ่อนๆคือสิ่งที่ผมได้รับอนุญาติ  ถ้าย้ำอยู่สองสามรอบเดินคอตกมาซื้อหนมปังกะยาแล้วกลับมานอนพักที่บ้านแต่โดยดี

ยาเม็ดสองเม็ดแรกลงท้องไป ผมก็นอนอ่านหนังสือ ท้องมันส่งเสียงโอกอาก ดังผิดปกติ ผมได้คิดถึงคำเภสัชที่บอกกับผมว่า antibiotic ฆ่าหมดทั้งแบคทีเรียใจดีและใจร้ายนะหนูเออ เค้าใช้คำว่า reset

ฟังเสียงกระเพราะร้องไป สมองก็ฟุ้งซ่านไปพลาง ขณะนี้ในท้องของเราคงไม่ต่างจากสมรภูมิ แบคทีเรียใจร้าบบุกมาก่อนทำให้ท้องปั่นป่วน ไม่ย่อย ตดเหม็นและไข้ขึ้น สถานะการแย่ลงเรื่อยๆ ทำให้ประธาณาธิปดีตัดสินใจกดปุ่มทิ้งระเบิดนิวเคลียร์ลงกลางเมือง แม้ว่าจะทราบก็ตามว่าจะทำให้ประชาชนตาดำๆสูญเสียชีวิต และภูมิคุ้มกันของประเทศลดลง

ถ้าเรามองต่อและลองคิดว่าโลกของเราคือร่างกายเรา ตอนนี้มันคงป่วยเป็นระยะๆ ถึงจะยังไม่โคม่าเข้าไอซียู มันก็เริ่มกระเสาะกระแสะ รุกเราจากแบคทีเรียใจร้าย ไวรัสจอมโหด รวมทั้งพ้องเพื่อนอีกมากมาย  อากาศเหม็น อึดอัด อยู่แล้วไม่สบายตัว ถ้ามัน reset กันได้ให้กลับไปเริ่มจุดใหม่ๆเราจะทำกันไหมนะ?

ถ้ามองย้อนกลับไปยามเด็ก ผมเชื่อว่าได้ศัพท์คำว่า resetนี้ มาจากการเล่นแฟมมิคอนเครื่องแดงขาวกับน้องชาย

“เฮ้ยจะตายแล้วอะเฮีย “

“ไม่เป็นไรเซพไว้ละ รีเซท์เลย แล้วโหลดใหม่เอา “

ปัญหาคือชีวิตของเรา มันทำไม่ได้อย่างนั้น ต้องเล่น และปรับกันไปเรื่อยๆจนกว่า จะ…กันไปข้างหนึ่ง (ดี หรือ พัง – กรุณาเลือกเติม)

………………

คิดถึงยาธาตุน้ำขาวตรากระต่ายบิน (ฟุ้งซ่านอีกละ!)

I am in Chiang Mai.

The city has not really changed much since the last time I was here. Well, maybe it has changed in many ways ‘physically’ (new shopping center, more high rise building and the public bus has come back!! Yeah!) but it still seems the same to me: a lazy town with mad song-taw drivers (public taxi) and the humidity that make me twist and turn in my bed all night long.

A couple of day ago, I was lying down on my sweaty back staring at the ceiling of my room while the fan was panning itself to the right and left at its own pace, I thought about the Greece trip. I could hardly believe that I actually have been to Greece and even more unreal to me that I am actually home…..

‘British Airway would like to announce the cancellation of BA…’

That panic moment at Athens Airport when my BA flight was canceled fifteen-minute before the boarding time. The confirmation by the official that the flight was REALLY canceled came 30 minutes later. The mop of the passengers was already gang up against the poor stewardess who probably didn’t know anything more than any of us: that the flight was canceled.

I decided not to join in with the mop, didn’t think that they would miss my participation either, also I didn’t think that my presence would turn the situation around. Looking about myself, I saw the familiar Thai int. airline logo blinking over the gate next to my ‘suppose to be’ boarding gate to Heathrow. A quick thought flash though my mind, and before any hesitation pop up, I decided to act on it.

‘I supposed to be catching TG 911 tonight from Heathrow to Bangkok but…’ ‘Can I join this flight?’. The TG ground staffs looked at me as if I was a con man, trying to bluff my way though. However, they decided to believe me. The lady (there were two staffs- him and her) told me that there is a chance, if BA decided to pay for the cost incurred from the process. She walked with me over to the BA counter. Stopped, and turned around. The counter and the stewardess were now flooded with angry-passengers whose eyes shown that they just couldn’t wait to tear the counter down and hijack the plane to fly themselves back to Heathrow.

The lady at the TG counter told me that she ‘will try her best’. She walked back to her counter, pick up the phone, dial the number and spoke in Greece into the phone. She hanged up, dial some other numbers, and again murmur away in Greece. I couldn’t tell at all what chance am I stand of getting on that plane but I could tell by her the way she place her hand on to her head and the tone; that this wasn’t going to be easy. So I started chanting silently.

I chanted hard, am sure she could hear me: we were only few feet away.

10 minute passed, she hanged up the phone. Told me to go and pick up my bag at belt number 4. BA and TG agreed to endorse my ticket so that I could fly back to Bangkok straight from Athens. Less than an hour before the flight taken off so it was a time to run!

So Run I did; liked being chased by a mad dog. I was the first one to get to the belt. I was hoping that my bag would be there right away. But as usual: the moment you need it to be right on time it would be late. I waited at the front of convey belt gate biting my nail, looking at my watch, looking at the belt, chanting hard, looking at the belt again still no sign of my bags, big sigh, looking at my watch again, still hoping but already thinking about something that I shouldn’t: ‘what if I couldn’t make it…’ .

After 20 minutes of waiting which at that time seems eternity, my bags finally appeared, they moved slowly though the black rubber curtains that brush against it harshly. I picked them up, swing the rug sack onto my back and rush to the departure zone of the airport which seems to me then; a marathon away.

I arrived at the TG check in counter 20 min. before the boarding time, panting like a dog under summer sun. I surrendered my passport and ticket, swing the two bags on to the scale, so sure that that was it.. I was on  my way home.

But it didn’t end there, there was some problems with my ticket: a) it didn’t included Athens’ airport tax and b) it was student ticket. Sigh -_-‘ couldn’t you just let me go!!!

‘54C this way sir’ I have flown with THAI many times before but that flight was the whole new experience: Smooth as Silk. I already felt at home the moment the wheel lift off the ground. No one was sitting next to me, so time for light out. Good Night Athens, Sawadee Bangkok!!

^_^ Thanks to Liz and her family for everything. The trip was unforgettable!

It wouldn’t be half as good without you

Top

Lazy cold Sunday after football.  I wanted to eat something healthy but not too heavy.  The Hokkaido pumpkin has been sitting on the kitchen table for nearly a week – time to utilise it. Cooking time 1hr. Note: Wash the pumpkin really well.  Do not peel its skin!

I sat down and chant for a while, then continued longer.  Sometime later, I began to saw it clearer.  It was something within me that react to change, or rather the thought of possible changes.  Changes that I don’t like, changes that I can’t control, changes that are ’nasty’.  The feeling really took a grip onto me.  Hard.

Small droplets of water began to fall on my head.  and then more.  I reached for the shampoo bottle that sat right under the shower head.  As I washed myself, I continued to think about the fearfulness that still clouding over me.  A while later, I thought of a conversation I had with an old friend who know me well.   A deep sound of him suddenly rang in my ears “When you can look at the bad things in life squarely and frankly, not covering up nor reducing its malice perhaps one could then, grows as a person”

After the shower, I sat down and thought about the children who dances to the music at Rathaus that I filmed earlier this evening.  It was so joyful to watch them danced and enjoying themselves as they were*.  The danced like nobody was watching, they didn’t care.  It was them the floor, the air and the music.  There were no past to reflex on, no future to thought of.  They truly live their moment.

The dark cloud slowly broke off and let go of me.  It was wonderful and I am glad to share it with you.

*I suspected that one of the girl in this film had Down syndrome.

Winchester and beyond

There have been quite a few things that I have done this summer/spring. I worked with Mott MacDonald, an engineering consultant firm. For my friends from Thailand, it is one of the engineering firms who were involved with the construction of Rama the eight bridge and the underground tunnels system. I worked with them in their transport division at Winchester, a little town in the south of England. Winchester is about an hour away from London. A typical English ancient town Winchester is, and being a town there were very little things for me to do so I throw myself at Buddhism activities and the benefit was unimaginable, you will see as you read on.

I spent most of my first week in Winchester photocopying. I must have done more photocopy during that week than all the time in my before that week add up. Spent most of my days standing in front of the photocopy machine either day-dreaming or questioning the sustainability of the company. The second week and the rest got better, I leant how to design trunk road, roundabout and slip road using MX (3D alignment design program) and AutoCAD.

The time in Winchester was quite enjoyable despite the fact that I was staying in flat with maggots that lived in the bin (my neighbors hated to empty it you see. Hot and humid summer + rotting lettuces + Fly = ….). I made a lot of friends both from work and from the Buddhism activities, so time flied just like that!

So finished my work placement and started the journey of my life time. Why? I was about to travel the distance of one and a half of the Earth’s circumference within the next 4 weeks: London – BKK-Chiang Mai- BKK-London-Houston-Lima-Pucallpa-Lima-Houston-London-BKK-Chiang Mai-BKK-Shantou(China)-BKK-Chiang Mai-BKK-London. Lost count? That’s 19 hops altogether going both west and east.

Peru –Hola!!

I was in Peru as a Shell’s environmental fellow, doing a research which aims to establish a baseline of the aquatic wildlife diversity and condition in the Pachitea river basin (that is basically the Amazon basin, near Pucallpa). There were 10 of us in the team (4 support staffs). The project duration was 11 days.

The trip was one of the biggest challenges for me having got mom’s permission to go-ahead, even before it started. I got very ill a day before my flight. This was in Thailand. My temperature was rocketed up to 44-45 C. My mom was no impress about it but did not say anything about canceling the trip. I must admit that it was me who had a flash thought about giving the whole thing up. I didn’t but went for a jab instead; just before the flight and off I went on my 36 hours trips to Lima.

First few days in Peru was rough as rock, my throat that was (Flu brought a friend with him as well!). I didn’t enjoy it at all, couldn’t eat a thing only water and soup. I was constantly on sweets to ease the soreness which didn’t help to heal it. Until the third day when Madelyn (one of the staffs whose character was so big, bigger than herself!). She dared me to go to see a local doctor to get another jab. And dared, I did. The doctor and Madelyn talked in Spanish which naturally I didn’t understand but he would turn and smile at me from time to time. As if he read how nervous I was, and was trying to calm me down. It did the opposite. Anyway, Madelyn gave me a brief translate version of the 20 min. conversation into 2 sentences: “Don’t worry; they will give you a jab. The syringe is clean.” I just nodded. She and the doctor walked out of the room thereafter and in come the nurse who pointed to the bed in the corner of the room tagged with some Spanish phase. “Si, si” I replied, I guess my fate is already decided. So lay on the bed I did, very obedient but confused. I guessed that what I felt then probably quite closed to what a pig or chicken at the Meat Monger must felt like, having thought that I didn’t push my luck: I checked the syringe – “Made in USA”. So I flagged a go-ahead.

After a brief session of backside massage to relax the muscle (which did the opposite), she finally got on within. As she pushed in the needles, I could feel the juice – cocktail of jab shots Bailey color being passed into my body. The content was so strong that I couldn’t get up for about 20-25 minutes after having it. My butt felt so numb and my limb was just energy-less. But it worked!! 2 hours later I could feel that the swollenness of my throat rapidly reduced. I had my first proper meal since landed in Peru there after. It was grilled fish at a restaurant near Yarina Yagosha. Thank you Doc!

After that everything went the other way on the scale, I was trying to catch up on everything that I missed on the first few days: eating, talking, swimming, drinking etc. Brought much surprise to many of my team mates, some probably wished that my sore throat come back so I can shut up and settle down (ha!).

The trip was amazing, although we spent most of the time traveling by taxi, trucks, fast boats and cattle boat though dirt, roads (that make Thailand’s most rough pebble road feel like driving on a carpet), and though countless swamps and rivers. Some of the sceneries were just like what you see in the National Geographic Channel: simply breath-taking. A weird feeling also hit me: I scared that all this beauty will be destroyed soon (well done Earth Watch, I think you did success)

The highlight of the trip? Catching Piranha by hand net, Swim in countless swamps, lakes, and rivers of Amazon, play volleyball with local (girl) team and got whip-ass clean. One of the sights that I will remember for a long time was the circling condors over the forest looking for prey. Don’t know why. I just felt that they seems so powerful and in-control.

China –Next!

Back to Thailand then? Well only for 5 days, I was off to China to accompany my granddad to visit his home town: a little village near Meisho which is a city near Shantao which is a big city in the south of China (?). Another unique experience, never before in my life I was so muted. If I really made some effort, I think I can count how many words I spoke during the trip. This is because everyone I met spoke the dialect, not Mandarin (which I can understand some) so it was my granddad who does most of the talking. The first few day was Ok, since my granddad did make effort to translate some of the key points in the conversation to me but by the end of the second day he either forget that I couldn’t understand it or just ran out of his effort so he stopped translate and was like that for the rest of the trip. I was quite frustrated. I felt the need to communicate as time went on, not just to nod or making eyes contact or smile when the word meaning “Thai grandson?” (Tai-guo-sern) being mentioned by someone in the conversation. But by the forth day I already gave up on asking my granddad to explain to me. I just played dumb and deaf.

Having said that, I must say the less I talked the more active my brain become and the more I get tired. My daydream became more and more real, for example I could just sit in a conversation circle and derived how each one of them know my granddad and they life since then etc. while waiting for them to finish the conversation which only move to the next one. Luckily the trip came to an end before I developed any further symptoms.

Back to Thailand for a week, and I was again on my way on a flight to England to start my last university life. This year my challenge was to be a good Tutor.

Bristol – the last year

I was selected as one of the Manor Hall’s tutors whose job is to look after the welfare of the students in the hall. The job descriptions include dealing with problems faced by students, range from study problem, relationship problem, security, thief, pregnancy, and drug and drunk. The last three made me felt a bit uneasy, I must admit. Although having dealt with many drunken people (inc. myself!) but pregnancy and drug? Not something that I can relate to(fortunately!) Anyway, luckily the job has been quite quiet so far, despite having one or two bad nights when I happened to land my duty on the Hall’s party nights.

This term has been the fastest ever, before I even realised Christmas has passed, and the new year is knocking at the door steps (26 December 2002). I hope all of you have already set your goal and are ready for this up coming year. It would be my last year here in Bristol and being a student. What next? I don’t know .

As I waited for the walker’s light to turn green, I opened my bag and took my sunny out and wore them.  It is not often I put them on.  I don’t like the look of me in any of them but recently I succumbed to my own wisdom that I better give my eyes some TLCs  if I want them to last at least another thirty years.

Looking through the shaded world gave me a strange feeling.  I observed many things that I normally don’t as I walked on: the way people walked, the similar looks of the six guys who shared the same coffee table, things people were looking at.  I looked into the eyes of people who took no noticed of me as they walked passed.  I looked into the shops alongside the high street and the people in them.  One of the shop caught my attention specially.  It was the famous crystal shop of Austria.  People inside it were really focus.  They were admiring the goods, trying them on, putting them off, looking at themselves in the mirror perhaps fighting off their desire or just weighting up the unreasonable reasons to buy.  Quicker than my walking pace was my slanderous thought: “They are  just stones”.   I know it was wrong thought. I shook my head as if it would help me getting ride of them and walked on.

23.01hr – I had just finished watching a film called: Life in a Day.  It was a edited collection of all the clips people uploaded to YouTube on 24th July 2010.   The film shows slightly more than what its title say: it shows lives in a day.  The story was ordinary, nothing was special.  People  living their lives, going through the normal Saturday from dawn till dusk, sharing their thoughts, activities and feeling: love, fear and hope.  It was so normal it could have been this Saturday or last Saturday or any Saturdays yet it was amazingly touching.  I let my tears go – a few times.  I know that life is beautiful just as it is but to see it right before me, it was something.  Looking at other’s lives I saw an honest reflection of my own and how amazing we are, although we might not feel that all the time.

If my sunny-specs provides a thin layer that separated me and the world, a detachment that allowed me to make an examination of my environments from a different point of view.  YouTube could be similar.  For it gives people a safe environment that they can express themselves honestly, frankly, and BE, just as they are.

I don’t and won’t say much more: Just live life the best you can and go to see this film. It makes me love my life and yours.

Verdict 5/5:  One of the best films I have seen.

p.s. I got home safely.  Changes are good.